Dear God: It’s 3am. I’m scared, and I don’t like you right now.
Yes, the title of this entry seems a bit extreme, but it’s the God-honest truth, so hear me out. I personally feel like this entry is one of the most important ones in this whole journey because of what it represents, so don’t let the title scare you away.
Prior to arriving at CVICU with Nolan the day before his first surgery, I had gone through a lot in my head. I was sad when we found out about Nolan’s heart, I was scared, I was hopeful. Pretty much by this stage in the game, I was working really hard on having the faith that God would get Nolan – and us – through this. I remember sitting in this horribly uncomfortable rocking chair in Nolan’s room, with a pillow under my arm, and I had been holding my sweet Nolan for hours. We just hung out together: I talked to him, I hummed songs quietly to him, I prayed quietly…a lot. All in all, I was nervous but feeling pretty good. Then 3am came.
I know it was 3am because I remember looking at the time and thinking “Geez, 3am…3 hours to go.” Then it hit me: DOUBT. FEAR. As I sat in that chair the words from the heart surgeon boomed in my head: “20% of kids don’t make it through this part.” And I freaked. And then I got pissed at God. In my mind I was furious, I remember thinking “How DARE you, God? How dare you put us through this? Haven’t we been through enough? Why would you let me bond so well with him if there’s a chance I don’t ever see him again past tomorrow?” I was beside myself, I was shaking, trying to have this mental/verbal spar with God, all the while “20%” kept chanting in my head.
As soon as I said my peace, the doubts went away. And not faded away, it was like BAM, gone. Then this incredible peace came over me, it was almost warm. Then a voice came…not an audible one, but one that spoke to my heart and quoted Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…For the Lord your God goes before you. He will never leave you nor forsake you.”
And that was it…
Wow. WOW. So here I was, broken down to nothing, having this toe-to-toe with God and God showed up and basically said “I got this.” I’m sure some of you will read this and think I’m nuts. That’s ok. Some of you will read this and thing it’s sacrilege to be so angry at God. That’s ok, too. But if you want my honest opinion, I think God’s ok with anger sometimes. Of course, it’s not ok to get angry and kill someone or anything like that, but this is different. Anger is an emotion all humans have…and God created us. I think in that moment, my 3am moment, I was trying SO hard to have strong faith, but I’m sure a lot of it was my own efforts instead of just trusting God. So I got angry…and by getting angry, it stripped away every wall, every pretense between me and God. So it was just me and Him, nothing else in the way. And He spoke.
Tony Evans once wrote something to the effect of “When you hit rock bottom, you find God is the rock at the bottom.” That’s for darn sure. So I knew from that point forward, “Be strong and courageous” needed to be the thing echoing in my head…not doubts. I was still a little scared, no doubt about it, but it was different this time. My faith had teeth. See, I think all I wanted was to be in control…until I was reminded that was impossible. Then God reminded me He’s in control.
So when is a time you broke down and were honest with God? Maybe you need to have that honest talk where you bare your soul honestly before him, whether that looks like anger or “Hey God, I just don’t get it.” Either way, do it. God is God, I doubt he’s gonna be offended by you. In my case he showed up BIG…I think if I didn’t have that moment, I would’ve missed out and would’ve been a TOTAL wreck during Nolan’s surgery and recovery.
Side note: thanks to everyone who’s been reading, following, and sharing this blog. My hope is that through sharing my journey with Nolan, that I can help people cope through their journey or learn about the journey they’re about to go through. Please feel free to comment whenever you like!
Posted on November 3, 2013, in faith and tagged anger, CHD, congenital heart defect, CVICU, doubt, faith, fear, God, heart surgery, HLHS, hypoplastic left heart syndrome, strong and courageous. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.