One of the cool features of Nolan’s Progressive Care stay was the TV in the room. Sure, it had your standard remote/call button combo, but you could also plug it in to a keyboard and access movies, music, and websites. That was pretty dope, so I worked it into my visits with Nolan. I’d go to see him, turn on Pandora on the TV, and turn on the station for my church’s worship band: Elevation Worship. Then Nolan and I would sit in a rocking chair and just rock and listen to some worship music for hours. It would become the best part of my day by far. Most of the time Nolan would sleep, but sometimes he’d just look at me for long periods of time.
One day, though, things were different. It’s funny because there wasn’t anything inherently different about that day: I wasn’t having a bad day, I wasn’t bummed out about anything…it was just a regular day in the neighborhood. I had Nolan in my arms and we were rocking away in the chair. At one point I just looked at him: marveling at his big eyes and his cute little nose. And I whispered to him, “I love you so much, I would do anything for you.” Then BAM. He did it again, God decided to show up. Not physically show up, but more like make a PSA in my heart. You’ll remember from https://hlhsdad.wordpress.com/2013/11/03/dear-god-its-3am-im-scared-and-i-dont-like-you-right-now/ that God did the same thing when I was struggling before Nolan’s surgery.
Just like last time, the word was very still and quiet: “Now you see how much I love all of you, and you are all born broken.” WOW. And then – this is gonna sound weird – it’s like God gave me some kind of deep understanding of His love. You know, we all know John 3:16…we memorize it, we see it on signs at football games, people put it on business cards. But do we really know what it means for God to love with an overwhelming, totally-forgiving love? Like do we REALLY know what that means? I loved my son so much, I just wanted to pour out every bit of me to make him feel loved and whole, even though nothing I could do could make him whole. But in that instant God used that example to show me what His love was really like. All I can describe it as was heavy. Really, really heavy, like the vastness and greatness of His love was bearing down on my shoulders to where I couldn’t stand the presser and was overwhelmed. And that was just a glimpse.
And just like that, I was back in the rocking chair in Nolan’s room with him in my arms asleep. And on Pandora, the song “How He Loves” by John Mark McMillan came on. Almost as if right on cue. I was completely speechless. And overwhelmingly moved. I listened to the words of the song and played that whole experience over and over in my mind. Oh how we take God’s love for granted, especially since we’re all messed up: not always physically. I think no matter what we’re going through, we need to stop and really think about God’s love. About how much He loves us in spite of the abuse and rebelliousness we hurl at Him. His love is so strong and only He has the shoulders to bear it all. Thank you God for your love. Thank you for showing me your love in a hospital room. Thank you for showing me there’s so much more than what’s in front of me.